Week four and I can barely breathe

So week four is here, but let me go back because the weekend was rough.  It was the first time I ate dinner with friends.  Well, let's be clear, they ate dinner.  I sipped on some beef broth.

It wasn't as bad as you would think, and I didn't mind, but I did wish I was a few weeks out and could eat a little something.  On Friday I felt so happy because I had lost another pound, and I felt like having that hummus and the pouch working was bringing me on the upswing.  

Then on Sunday I started to feel down again and worried.  I felt like I could never eat again and like what have I done to myself.  Part of me wishes I would have tried harder to lose it before surgery.  That way I could still eat...and that's when my brain said "big meals."  And there you have it.  I like to eat.  I like to eat big filling meals.  It is delicious, and it makes me feel happy and full.  Not just full, but fullfilled.  Satistifed, in only the way that a big meal can.  

I was wandering around the house friday night and what came into my head was like you know what I feel like, settling in on the couch, getting cozy, and having a nice hearty meal.  And I can't.  But if I'm honest with myself, even if I was able to lose more weight before surgery, or without surgery, the reality is that I liked to overeat.  I liked it alot.  It was an activity I enjoyed, I was good at, and I could comfort myself with.  

Ands that's exactly why I had to do this.  Because I can't stop wanting and enjoying and hoping for a big meal.  

I know growing up my mom always was commenting on what I ate.  What I ordered at a restaurant was never right.  If I had a sandwich and it came with fries she would count the fries and let me know how many I ate.  If I ordered a burger, a comment.  If I ordered a salad she claimed it was to spite her.   The menu was always a minefield and I'd spend the time looking at the menu not to see what I might enjoy but what would cause the least anger, comments, and arguments.   

She would send me mixed messages as a child.  I never liked sweets much, but after school I'd get yelled at for having an apple or something healthy from the fridge.   I'd say to her, I'm having an apple not a sleeve of cookies, what's the problem.  She's say you're always eating.  I couldn't win.   

I think it made me want food more, and want to not only hide it and get it in big doses, but get as much as I could, because who knows when I'd get it again.   I did it unreasonably so.   The only time I felt better was when I had a a lot---even if I didn't eat it.   Some people might say your eyes are bigger than your stomach, but for me it was deeper than that.   I have the urge to order everything at a drive through, even if I I don't want to eat it.   When making a plate at a buffet, there's ever enough room, and half of it I don't even want to eat.   It's like an emotional food hoarding feeling, but just per meal.   I don't have like boxes of crazy food around--just per meal.   It's a weird feeling, one that I've been working on.  And maybe should work on some more.   

I find myself now at home in the evenings after a long day at work.  My job is very long and stressful, and coming home, relaxing on the couch with something delicious was conforting, fulfilling, and downright enjoyable.  It felt like relaxing, like a reward for all I did in the day.  This was for me, to enjoy, to savor, do have complete control over.  And I controlled it, each bite alright, right down my throat.  It was delicious.  

Even the worst meal, whether home cooked, or delivery was an experience.  And the best part was, I could have whatever I wanted.   From always dieting, I would often try to make good or better or at least reasonable choices, and I had a good deal of success with weight loss.  Sure I wanted the big burger and gravy fries and the salad and the pickles, but often I'd pick the salad and small side of fries.   Or some kind of pseudo compromise.   Sometimes I'd just cook and have something altogether healthy.  But there were those nights, often a Friday night, where I didn't make plans to go out, I didn't make a date or go out with friends, my Friday was being a homebody and cozing up in the couch with a movie and something completely delicious.   

Now, I find myself on the couch after work, still stressed, still tired, still hungry, still emotionally and mentally wanting a meal, even a healthy one, and instead I have two spoonfuls of hummus and a few sips of pickle juice. It leaves me sad, angry, and unreasonably and unrationally so.  I know it makes no sense.  I know I made this choice for myself.  I know I did this.  But yet I feel like I have nothing else.   

I know if I was giving the advice to "me" I know I'd say that you have to find something else to do.  You can't sit on the couch like you used to because that is associated with eating and you can't do that anymore.   You have to find something else to do it hath your time, your need to relax and destress, and to distract yourself.  But yet, I'm eating so little, I don't have much energy.  Running around all day at work coupled with not eating much saps me dry.   And there's nothing and no one too do it with.  My friends all live in NJ, which is fine for weekends but not feasible for week nights.   I know the rational answer, but right now I'm more feeling than thinking.  

Now I have to also do something with these feelings, these emotions.  I have to find another way to deal with them other than eat something good and eat away whatever I'm feeling.   I can't eat away the loneliness, the sadness, the stress, the worry, I can't even eat for happiness.   

I've begun to cheat a little, or else lose my mind entirely.   I didn't mean to.  But while plain hummus isn't on the list from my doctor. Every sleeve book says hummus is ok,  and I'm only a few days from eating real food, so I went for it.   It feels like hummus is my gateway drug so to speak.   

From there I began sucking on pretzels.   I said to my co-workers, I can't eat it, but can sure suck the shit out of it.  And I did.   

But then today, I sucked so long that it disintegrated in my mouth, and I swallowed a piece as I answered a call.   Then I swallowed another.   I sucked the sour off of a gummy worm, and was horrified to accidentally swallow it.  I could swear I could feel it sliding into my stomach and causing pain.   Granted that was probably imagined because I was so worried.  Then today with my hummus I ate a few light laughing cow wedges for lunch.   I had a few bites too many and paid dearly for it with pain.   It's still mentally hard to stop when you start feeling full.   My brain is like we had four bites what the fuck!  And since I've always been such a foodie, it's like I'm not yet done enjoying it.   I have a bad (or good!?!?) feeling that when I eat real food I'll be able to have literally two bites.   

Yesterday and today I also chewed up anew thin pickle slices really well and are them,   What is wrong with me.   

On a positive note, I have been getting a bit more protein as I'm forcing myself to have a protein shake as I drive to work, and I'm at 22.3 pounds.  Oh and I finally went to the bathroom.  Not much but I'd say I averaging maybe once a week if that, barely.   It's tiny, and like a baby, and gross.   I've started taking fiber gummy vitamins to help.   Hopefully when I eat real food it will get better.   But it is ridiculous how happy and excited I get when I go.   Lol.  Crazy shit.  

Literally.  

You know you're desperate when....

So week three is here.   It's come.  It's gone.  It felt like freaking forever. This was week two on the yogurt etc diet and it has gotten so old so fast.

I've taken to drinking tiny shot glasses of pickle juice in the evening as it tastes like food.  I don't know if it is good for me, but at least it is a clear liquid lol.

On Thursday night I also tried a few spoonfuls of hummus for dinner.  It was glorious.  Glorious!   I felt unbelievably painfully full.  Like thanksgiving full.   Which made me feel better about my my sleeve.   I had hummus for dinner on Friday too.   While it isn't on the list, it is mentioned as ok in like every book on the sleeve I read, so I figured I'd try it.   I'm that kind of desperate.   Today I sucked on two pretzels at work.   I didn't eat them, but I sure sucked the shit out of them.   I'm sure it is mostly mental, but try not eating for three weeks, and tell me if you don't go a little mental.   I keep thinking how awesome that whipped cottage cheese would be if I could put a few pickles in it and wrap it in a lettuce leaf.   I saw a salad today and wanted to cry.  I've been fantasizing about salad for days now.   I mean, don't get me wrong I'd still lick a pizza if I had one nearby, but salad and greens sound so good.  I was reading a recipe for sautéed spinach and broccoli rabe in garlic and I was like dying for some.   It would be amazing.  But alas, I'm going to go have another few sips of pickle juice and call it a win.   I'm at 18.6 so I guess that's good.

Funniest part was my panties kept falling down a little today at work.   Awkward and yet exciting lol.

In other news I still am not doing much in the bathroom.  You would think this pudding and cottage cheese would amount to SOMETHING EVENTUALLY.   Instead I took one laxative last night (Bc omg when I took two during week two it was a nightmare!) and it was still watery and weird and not much.   I think this may pose a long term problem.  I hope it works itself out.  I can't live on laxatives.

To be honest, I haven't been getting enough protein or water either.  I'm trying hard with the liquids but it is hard to have a real job and responsibilities and yet be "constantly sipping."  It isn't easy.  64 ounces is a lot more than you think.  And the protein, well I have to go to the store this weekend and find some solutions because I can't drink any more chocolatey drinks.  I just can't.  So far Designer Whey is tolerable, and Premier Protein ready to drink is sweet but decent.   The Unjury chocolate omg.  If you like sweet you'll love it.  I hate sweets.  The unflavored is weird because it still has a taste.   And not a good taste.  I thought I could hide it in the Greek yogurt and the tangyness would hide it.  I was wrong, really really wrong.  I also tried to mix it into a pudding cup.   Did you know that shit doesn't dissolve well in a pudding cup and it becomes liquid instead of pudding if you over mix it?   Yeah that was a disaster.  I've also tried the clear fruit Isopures ready to drinks.  They are rather sweet, and have a weird aftertaste and give you cotton mouth but they aren't unbearable if you like sweet.

And I lost nothing. (Except my mind)

When week two rolled around I was so excited to eat "food," or at least something that seemed like food.


For weeks 2,3,& 4, I could eat:
1% whipped cottage cheese
0% plain yogurt
low fat strained cream soups made with skim milk plus
thinned cereals like farina! cream of wheat, and oatmeal
sugar free pudding
 

That's it.  Those are my meal choices, meaning I can have one of those items per meal in 3 ounce quantities.

Each meal is 3 ounces of tasteless stuff.   To be fair, I was ecstatic at first with the whipped cottage cheese.  It tasted like food.

But, a week in, I was over it.   That and I haven't lost a single pound.  Not. One.

Ive been sitting here crying, and losing my mind.   I make a huge life choice.  I've had a major life changing surgery, I'm starving myself, and the scale isn't even moving.   I was a mess.  And inconsolable.

And to make it worse, I have to drink these awful protein powder and skim milk plus shakes.  Did I mention I hate sweets?  It's torture.

What do you mean you've had jello this whole time and didn't tell me!?!?

The first week after surgery wasn't too bad.   I used the gas-x regularly and spent most of my time googling what I could eat and how to eat.   No one really tells you anything in the hospital except eat slow.   I don't know if you've ever tried to eat luke warm chicken broth (after not eating for days) slowly, but it is pretty much impossible.   

It didn't matter that it had no flavor, it didn't matter that I felt like I might puke, you still try really a hard to eat it and slow, my friend, isn't an option.  What should I do?  Lap at it like a cat?

In theory sip slowly and stuff made sense.  In reality I had no idea what I was doing-- I still don't and I've managed to convince myself that I've drank too many sips at once and stretched it out already.
That's totally the level of crazy I'm at.   I'm sure something is wrong because I have the weirdest pains in my stomach.   I can't have anything but clear sugar free liquids this week which is slowly driving me insane.   I can't tell if I'm hungry or full or constipated or gassy.   I have no idea what's going on.  I'm sure I've ruined the pouch with a few too many zips of vitamin water and I've essentially lost my mine.

Which all culminated in late in the week when I was feeling so hungry (I think more mentally hungry than anything and just weak physically), and I realized that not only did my parents pick up the sugar free jello they said they would, but they've had it for a day or so, and NEVER TOLD ME.
Now that may not sound like a big deal to you, but go have sugar free liquids only for a week, and I promise you'll be off your rocker hysterically crying over sugar free jello too.

Trust me.

However, I did lose 15 pounds this week.  But hey, if you had this diet you would lose 15 lbs in week too.

Room 8440

I had a roommate.  I couldn't eat.  I couldn't drink.   But I had the morphine button, and with one click, all was right with the world.

That thing was magic.

I remember on the way to surgery, my parents crying.  My mom still trying to talk me out of it.   That knot in my stomach that prayed I didn't not wake up.   But as they rolled me into the operating room, I saw we were going into OR number 10, and suddenly I knew everything would be alright.

At least until I woke up that is.

I opened my my eyes, and for a second I didn't know where I was.  But I knew I was in pain.  A lot of pain.   Now, to be fair when I had knee surgery a few years ago I woke up smiling like I just took a nice nap, but only a few months before this, I had to have my gall bladder out unexpectedly-- also laparoscopically-- and I woke up screaming in pain that time too.  So, it could just be how my body reacts to laparoscopic surgery.   This time things weren't as bad as the gall bladder, and I recovered better.   I'm sure my wailing got that morphine button connected fast and soon I wasn't in pain.   I was just sleepy.   I would fall asleep mid sentence, mouth hanging open, courtesy of the morphine button.

The practical stuff:
I did learn from blogs beforehand that I should bring some stuff with me, and it helped.  I brought gas-x strips (you can't eat or drink so it has to be the tongue strips) and Chapstick.  I love the Walgreens brand, but you do you.  Both were great to have.   I couldn't use the gas-x in the hospital, mainly because I thought my nurse might beat me if she found out, but right after it was really helpful.  So hit the pharmacy on your way to the OR, you'll be glad you did.  Oh and a gentle laxative.   Don't forget that lol.

I had surgery Monday, and was released Wednesday.  He took the drain out that day too--which was a gross and horrifyingly weird sensation I can't even try to explain.

Buyers Remorse

So here's the thing.  On July 7, 2014 I had gastric sleeve surgery.  I searched online and I found lots of blogs.  But none really started in the beginning.  And the beginning is what I needed help with.  You see, because after my surgery, after I loosened my grip on that morphine button at the hospital and came home, I completely started to freak out.

Everyone kept asking, "are you excited?!?!"   Um, no.   Actually, I'm not excited.   I'm freaked the fuck out.

I'm worried it isn't going to work.  I'm worried I'm going to spring a leak.  I'm worried I made a huge mistake.  An unfixable mistake that I can't undo.   I found myself laying in bed resisting the urge to call the hospital and check if they have my 2/3s of a stomach on ice.   Maybe I could get it back and get a slice of pizza?

Did I rush in?   Did I make a mistake?   Well, the reality is there's no going back.   Those 2/3s are long gone, and I can't undo what I did.  Don't get me wrong, realistically I don't wish I didn't do this, because I think in the long run it will help my health.   But I wanted to write this for myself, but also for the next "me"--the next person who goes online and can't find the real stuff.  Lots of blogs have pretty before and after pictures and recipes.   Those are great, but I wanted to hear about the real crap, like for example, that actual crapping is a thing of the past.   Or the bleeding coming from my belly button.  Normal?  Not normal?  Or these pains I can't describe, or how I have no idea what is what in my abdomen.  I can't tell if I'm hungry or full or gassy or what. It's like a mystery.

So it's gonna be straightforward.  It's gonna be gross.  And it's gonna be real.